All right Brisbanites, listen up. I am SICK of nearly being run off the road by busses, trucks and f**kwits on the phone. In the last week, I have nearly been hit by two busses and a truck (who were disobeying my rules below). So here’s some tips to follow:
Get off your phone. It’s that simple. It’s illegal and more than QUADRUPLES your chance of having an accident.
Stay in your lane. Seriously. They put those lines on the road for a reason. Pick ONE lane and stay in it. PLEASE!
Use your indicators. I have good reflexes, but honestly! If you need to change lanes, flick that little stick. It’s not hard. It won’t kill you. Just push it that one centimetre – and then everyone else will know what you’re about to do.
Do the speed limit, or get out of the right lane. If you’re car is broken, or you’re carrying 5 dozen eggs, or if you’re driving a Volvo – that’s fine. But don’t do it in the right lane. The LEFT lane in Australia is for people NOT doing the speed limit.
Don’t cut corners. When the road bends left or right, then stay in your lane as you veer. You are not Mark Skaife or Craig Lowndes. You don’t need to let your wheels go over the line into the next lane to get around the corner 1/1,000th of a second faster.
Anticipate the green light. It’s not a surprise, right? After it’s been red for a while, and then all the other traffic stops, chances are you’re about to get a green light. Don’t WAIT for it to turn green, finish applying your lipstick or put down your coffee before driving off. BE READY FOR IT. Most lights in Brisbane only let about 6 cars through these days. So you f**king around with your hair/nails/scrotum stops those of us who are paying attention from getting through the intersection.
This one’s more of a courtesy, but don’t stop in front of a driveway/sideroad/carpark. If you do that, then you will most likely prevent someone from turning right across traffic, and create a massive bank-up of traffic. So think about someone other than yourself for two seconds, and make space to let people get to where they’re going. You’d like it if THEY left space for YOU, right?
Oh – learn to merge. PLEASE! I’m begging you. Ever been on the Gateway/Pacific Motorway/Logan Road/Ipswich Rd and come to a complete stop right near an on-ramp? So have I. Why do you think that is? It’s because Brisbane drivers can’t merge. Not necessarily your fault, but PLEASE LEARN.
This is how simple it is: When you get on the on-ramp, you will see a speed limit sign. You need to be doing THAT speed when you get to the motorway. Don’t wait to get there before accelerating. Be AT SPEED when you get to the motorway. That way, other drivers will make MINOR adjustments to let you in.
The reason the traffic stops is because of those people who are entering a 100 kph zone, but doing 60 kph when they get there. Everyone has to hit the brakes to stop from ramming up your arse and before you know it, the Pacific Motorway becomes a carpark on Friday nights. So when you see that speed limit sign……FLOOR IT.
