Queensland Road Rules

Ok, I know I go on and on about how bad Brisbane drivers are. Even today, I was confronted with ignorant people with seemingly no idea how to drive a car. So this afternoon, I did some research, and I found some info to help people understand the rules. I’ve also included some links if people would like to get a bit of a refresher on the rules.

The biggest issue in QLD is merging. QLD drivers seem absolutely clueless on the merging rules. So here they are:

 If you need to merge with moving traffic, there are actually TWO rules. In the picture, you can see that the blue car is trying to merge. In this image, the blue car’s lane is marked with a dotted line as it comes to an end. In this case, the blue car must give way to the green car.

In this image, we see that the blue car’s lane DOES NOT have the dotted lines, so in this case, EVERYONE gives way to any car that is IN FRONT of them. So in this case, the green car would have to give way to the blue car.

It’s important to note that it is actually THE LAW that you must indicate long enough to give sufficient warning to other road users. For you Tradies out there, that means DON’T PUT YOUR INDICATOR ON AS YOU ARE MOVING OVER!

Some of the other rules which some people may have forgotten include:

On a single lane road, drivers must stay as close as practical to the left side of the road (This means don’t put your right hand wheels on the centre line!)

A safe driving distance from the vehicle in front is two seconds. Leaving a gap this big is not an invitation from someone that you can slide in there.

This is one of my favourites. See this picture? It means that the light is ABOUT TO TURN RED. It DOESN’T mean that you still have time to get through the light.

The yellow light is the beginning of the RED light sequence. NOT the end of the GREEN light sequence. The law actually says that you MUST stop for a yellow light. If there is a line drawn on the road under the light, then you must stop there. If not, you must stop without going past the light.

So that’s about it really. Some basic rules that just might be something you have forgotten or weren’t aware of. But I can assure you that if we all start following some of these basics, life on the roads will be a LOT calmer.

And now for some links:

Learning the road rules in QLD

Queensland Road Rules

Changes to Queensland Road Rules

LIARS!!!!!

If there’s one thing that REALLY gets my goat, it’s liars. And I don’t necessarily just mean people who tell you an outright lie, but also (and probably MORE so), it’s the people that disguise the truth.

We get it every day from companies who want us to sign up for a contract for something. They have clever wording that you have to be a lawyer to understand, or they put all the REAL detail in the fine print. And let’s face it, who reads the fine print?

The other day, I logged on to iTunes (my favourite application – NOT!) and I needed to do an update. Not a biggy. Not a war-winner. Right? But here’s the thing. You have to agree to their terms and conditions before you do the upgrade. And it’s NOT about covering you as a consumer, is it? It’s all about protecting THEM.

And the sad thing is, we all know that, but there’s nothing we can do. They expect you to read through 20 pages of terms and conditions, just because they changed the colour of the header bar. But buried deep in section 23 (a) (vii) will be some bullshit thing about every time you download a song, they get to bill you $100.

I’m not being literal here of course, but what I’m talking about is the fact that you will check that little box without reading the terms and conditions, because we have this fantasy that SOMEONE will protect us from a-holes that try to rip us off. And sadly, no-one will.

But if everything goes pear-shaped and you try and do anything about it, what will our friends at Apple say? “You checked the box to say you agree with all our terms and conditions. If you didn’t read it, that’s not our problem”.

And these are the kinds of people I find myself fighting with on an almost daily basis. Because I don’t think it’s fair, and I think that the law should be there to protect consumers – NOT retailers.

But it’s the little things that usually get to me (just ask my Fiance). My Fiance is a HUGE foodie and runs a food blog which is going great guns, so at home, we probably watch the Food channel on FOXTEL more than anything else.

And the other day, there was an ad for my old mate Jamie Oliver’s latest show called “Jamie’s 30 minute meals”. And all through the ad, the voice over is saying “30 minutes, guaranteed” and “honestly, it only takes 30 minutes”. And this got my blood boiling. Why?

I defy ANYONE – including Jamie, or ANY other professional chef, to cook one of these meals in 30 minutes. I should point out that I have nothing against Jamie. In fact, before Jamie, I wouldn’t even touch raw meat – now I LOVE to cook.

But here’s the thing. There are very few TV chefs that you see who make these meals FROM SCRATCH. They have their staff (or maybe themselves, I don’t really know) do all the prep before we see the show. So that means that all the vegies are peeled, chopped, sliced, diced, julienned and/or minced.

All the ingredients that need to be weighed (like flour, sugar, herbs, soy sauce, lemon juice, etc) are all done, and layed out nicley in little bowl-thingys so that the show-pony can just tip it in. About the only chef I regularly see doing all this themselves – on the spot – is Nigella. And apart from being an AWESOME cook…..how f***ing HOT is she? But I digress……

Jamie does, I’ll admit, often chop his own herbs, or chop up something to add to the dish, but shows like this shit me, because what they’re trying to do is convince you at home, that despite working 18 hours at work, then picking up the kids and dealing with homework, baths, etc, you can put a TV chef-quality meal on the table every night. After all, they only take 30 minutes, don’t they?

But you have to find all the ingredients, peel everything, chop everything, dice everything, measure out your butter, oil, salt, juice the lime, blah, blah, blah. So you do about 45 minutes of prep and then you’re expected to spend another 30 minutes cooking? Screw that.

But that’s not to say that I don’t love cooking or that I don’t eat healthily. It’s pretty rare these days that we eat takeaway, or go out for dinner. Most of our meals are cooked at home, and they’re usually pretty quick and simple. Nigella does a mushroom pasta that is absolutely awesome, and requires no cooking – other than the pasta. You just chop everything up while the pasta is boiling, and when it’s ready, you put it all in the one pot, stir it around and serve. Done.

So what’s my point? I have no idea. Just that I hate that this show would be advertised as taking 30 minutes to put a meal on the table when it’s all a big fat lie. And it probably wouldn’t be so bad, if it wasn’t for the voice over constantly stating how legitimate it all is.

So what about you? What little fine print stuff have you found that gets up your nose?

PS: As if Nigella isn’t hot enough already, I read an interview with her, where she said she likes to wear stockings in the bedroom for her husband. WOOF!!

More misguided ads

I have come up with a new diet that will help to reduce your cholesterol. But it’s not all carrot and celery sticks, trust me. I call it: “The Kit-Kat challenge”.

I’d LOVE to take all of the credit for this revolutionary new diet, but I can’t. I was inspired by Uncle Toby’s which is a brand in Australia (not sure where else they sell their products) and THEIR new diet: The Uncle Toby’s Oats Cholesterol Challenge.

Both diets work on the same principle, but with the Uncle Toby’s diet, you have to eat “oats”, whereas in my diet you get to eat Kit-Kats (do you have Kit-Kats in your country?).

Uncle Toby’s challenge goes something like this:

Eat a bowl of Uncle Toby’s Oats every day for six weeks* and see if it reduces your cholesterol.

My diet goes something like this:

Eat a Kit-Kat every day for six weeks* and I guarantee it will reduce your cholesterol.

I hear you wondering to yourself “How can the Grump GUARANTEE lower cholesterol by eating a Kit-Kat every day rather than oats?” In the words of the great Prof Rob Morrison: I’m glad you asked.

The secret lies in the * which appears in both diets, even though it represents the exact same statement, which is……… in conjunction with a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercise.

Why do you think that both Uncle Toby’s and I can make such claims? There are many reasons why and I’m sure I can’t list them all here, but the main reason is that you could eat a small portion of ANYTHING every day, and if you conduct regular exercise and generally eat healthily, not only will you not get fat, but you will maintain or even LOSE weight, as well as either maintain or REDUCE your cholesterol.

The technical catch is that if you eat a Kit-Kat every day “as part of a calorie-controlled diet”, it would mean that you would adjust everything else you eat during the day so that you don’t exceed a certain number of calories. And we all know that (in general terms) if you burn more calories than you ingest, you will lose weight.

Here’s the other catch. Do you know where cholesterol comes from? It’s formed in the liver. So what does that tell you? The only place you will find cholesterol is……..MEAT. There is NO cholesterol in Uncle Toby’s oats, or in Kit-Kats, so ingesting either of these is NOT adding to your cholesterol intake. So do some exercise as well, and suddenly, you will start to reduce your cholesterol and maybe even lose weight.

If you know about nutrition, you’ll be shaking your finger at me after reading that paragraph, so I’ll explain myself to the general population. There is actually ONE exception to the rule about cholesterol only being in meat, and that is coconut. Coconut is the only non-meat product on the planet that contains cholesterol.

If you like the concept of either MY diet, or even Uncle Toby’s, feel free to be inspired and create your own. You could do the “Snickers cholesterol challenge”, or the “Fudge cholesterol challenge”, or the “Cup of sugar cholesterol challenge”. Just remember to control the remainder of your calorie intake and conduct at least 30 minutes of heartrate-raising exercise every day. If you can exercise for longer, go for it. Remember that the more you exercise, the lower your cholesterol will be and the more weight you will lose.

How easy is that? I’m sure that if you compare these two diets, mine will be far more enjoyable, and while the results MIGHT not be quite as impressive as Uncle Toby’s, I bet you’d be more likely to repeat MY diet in the future than theirs.

If you want to try my diet, let me know. I’d love to hear that I’ve inspired people to improve themselves through chocolate.

Misguided Ads

How funny is it when companies get their ads wrong? It cracks me up. I don’t know who’s getting paid millions to come up with the ads, but I think they should be sacked.

If you’re not an Australian, ANZ is the Australian and New Zealand bank. It’s one of our “Big 4″ banks over here, and they’ve been around since Noah played half back for Jerusalem.

Their latest ad stars Tony Barber – a bit of a super star over here from a show called Sale of the Century back in the 70′s and 80′s. Tony’s getting a bit long in the tooth these days, but he’s still on TV, in ads like this one from ANZ, his false teeth stealing the limelight.

In the latest ad, Tony and his band of ANZ staff are hiding in the apartment of one of their customers. I should point out, that only a very small percentage of Australians live in apartments, but that’s not the point of my post.

Anyway, a young couple walk into the apartment, someone flicks on the light and everyone yells “Surprise!”. Tony’s assistant hands over a trophy and then Tony goes into his spiel, congratulating the couple on being ANZ customers. The couple look strangely at Tony and say “Amanda and Paul* are just parking the car”. Then Tony turns to the group and says “Places”, and they go back into hiding.

It’s quite funny on the surface, but about 10 seconds after the first time I saw it, it got me thinking. What the ad really told me is: ANZ staff don’t know their customers.

I’m not sure what you think of that, but the bank is trying to show an interesting side to their “personality”, and yet every time I see the ad now, it just reminds me how UNpersonal ANZ must be, because their customers must just be numbers to them.

One bank ad I DO like is the new NAB (National Australia Bank) ad. The camera takes a first-person view, walking through an exclusive executive club of some sort. As the camera moves through, everyone gives the camera a rude glare, as if whomever is behind the camera doesn’t belong.

The camera wends it’s way through the club, out the doors and into the street. Then the voice over says something like “The big banks don’t like us much anymore. We must be doing something right” and then you see the NAB logo.

Now THAT is good advertising. In Australia, we all hate the Big 4 banks. They have complete control over our finances. When the Reserve Bank raises official interest rates, the banks raise their home loan rates by MORE than the official rate. But of course, when the official rate is reduced, the banks don’t reduce THEIR rate all. A-holes.

But that’s got nothing to do with advertising. So, have you seen a great ad? Or a misguided one? Let me know and we can laugh together.

*The names have been changed because I can’t remember the real ones.

Milestone

Just a quickie to my readers……

As of today, this blog now appears on the first page of Google under the search term grumpyaussie. A big thanks to all of you that have been coming back and reading my crazy rants.

If you enjoy my ramblings, tell your friends about it. And remember to sign up to the blog so you can get e-mails when I post something. Oh, and feel free to leave me a comment if something I’ve written strikes a chord – good or bad.

Door-to-door salesmen

What is it with these companies who seem to have to right to knock at my door on weekends or bug me while I’m relaxing with a glass of wine?

Maybe they DO have the right to annoy me on weekends, but do I have the right to tell them to “F**k off”? Because I should. And so should you. Because the problem is, WE feel bad trying to tell them we’re not interested, or when we tell them to go away. And we shouldn’t.

Just today, I had an asian (Pakistani/Indian or the like) from a company called Origin come to my door. In Brisbane, they’ve privatised the supply of utilities, so now they’re all competing with each other. Sounds great, right? Not when every other day, one of them is banging on your door, asking WHY you’re with the company you’re with – making you feel bad for your choice.

And then they ask to see your bill, and they show you how either you’re paying too much, because THEIR company only charges such-and-such, or how YOUR company is in breach of their contract because they’ve increased your rate. You know what champ? F**k off.

Today I got the shits with this bloke. I know it’s not his fault, he’s doing his minimum-wage job. But if I don’t have a go at him, who CAN I have a go at. When I told him I wasn’t interested in Origin, he foolishly asked me “Is there something about Origin that makes you unhappy?”, so I laid it out for him. I told him the thing that makes me unhappy is how they keep coming to my door and giving me the spiel and trying to get me change over.

He was a little taken aback, but I thought “Screw it”. I’ve done nothing wrong, this guy is being the annoying A-hole. So I continued. I told him that I didn’t want Origin coming to my house anymore. He told me he didn’t have a list with him to put my name on, and with great retsraint, I managed not to inform him that this wasn’t my problem. But I knew that saying so wouldn’t achieve anything.

He offered to give me Origin’s phone number so I could call them, but I refused. I honestly didn’t want this bloke handing me anything, because in my petty little mind, that would have meant that he won. So I told him I would find the number or e-mail address and contact them myself. What I expected was “Sorry for bothering you Sir, I’ll be on my way”, but noooooo……

He actually started trying to sell Origin again. I reached for the door, and he finally seemed to realise I was serious. Half way through his spiel, I interjected with “Thanks mate”, stepped back, closed the door a little too hard and locked it behind him.

And here’s another thing…….

Religious people who come to my door. They shit me. Fair enough, they need a good recruiting campaign, I’m not denying that. And if they accepted my first “Sorry mate, not interested”, I probably wouldn’t care too much. But they don’t, do they?

They feel compelled to share their enlightenment with us all, whether we want to hear it or not. In the words of the great Ron White (Texan comedian) “He raped my ear”. Take your little book, and your tales of salvation and go away. Walk the desert. Follow the great star. Whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against religion. I have my own, and we’ll leave it that. But I don’t preach to others. There are literally hundreds of legitimate religions out there: Christianity, Buddhism, Catholicism, Hinduism, Zen, and a whole lot more – including Satanism. Yes, Satanism. It’s a legitimate religion.

BUT, you don’t see these guys and gals knocking on your door on the weekend, telling you how AWESOME Satan is, and how much fun you’ll have if you embrace the Dark Lord. And why do you think that is? Firstly, these guys don’t recruit. They believe that the kind of people who would embrace their religion are the kind of people who can think for themselves. Who look at Christian religion and think “This doesn’t feel right” and go in search of something that does.

And food for thought – what would the public think if their local GP knocked on their door at the weekend and asked them to renounce Jesus and start living a life where you make your own rules?