Episode 2

At the end of your time at Kapooka, you do this Exercise called The Challenge. I’m sure it’s changed since I went through, but from memory, it started with a pack march, included a section attack, the seemingly HUGE obstacle course, a dam crossing, bayonette assault course and more forced marching. I think it was around 20km long and incorporated almost everything we learned during basic training.

The night before The Challenge, you get a bit of a special treat. The Challenge came after a few days out bush practicing our fieldcraft skills. Around dinner time, we were told we were “non-tac”, short for non-tactical, which usually means the Exercise has ended or is going through an admin phase. So, it’s a time to relax.

We got to light a fire, eat a hot meal and relax with our Section Commanders. It’s also the night when you get a bit of come-uppance on your platoon staff, and you get to partake in the Army’s favourite passtime – skit night. There are pretty much no limits and nothing is sacred. The recruits get to do little skits to take the piss out of their staff. It’s great fun.

It was at this time that – in any other situation – I could have faced a trip to jail. I remember standing right at the edge of the fire, having a drink. Morale was high and everyone was having fun, but we were just at the end of a few days out bush and getting psyched for The Challenge, so tempers were still a little high, too.

There had been some arguments through the Platoon during the night, but nothing serious. I was standing there, minding my own business, when someone barged into me from behind, pushing me forward and causing me step into the fire. Naturally, I was pissed. I spun around, instantly aggressive, and said “Don’t fucking push me”, only to find my Section Commander standing behind me.

My Section Commander was CPL Marks. Only a little guy, but he was Infantry, covered in tattoos and had shown himself during our training as a guy not to trifle with. When I saw him standing there, and realising I had just sworn at a Corporal (punishable by having your pubic hair removed by an angry great white shark), I quickly added “…..Corporal” to the end of my remark.

CPL Marks looked me up and down and said “You’ve got guts, recruit” and walked off. That may not seem too significant to a civilian, so let me explain something to you. In Defence, there are only a handful of offenses that can result in instant arrest and escort straight to jail. Obviously, violent things like assault, but the other two are disobeying a lawful command and insubordination.

Insubordination is a catch-all phrase for disrespecting someone with more rank than you. If you give someone a threatening look – you’re being insubordinate – and they can arrest you and lock you up. So, me swearing at my Corporal like that was DEFINITELY insubordination, and I could have faced a quick trip to jail – meaning a fail at Kapooka. Or even worse, CPL Marks could have thrown a punch at me. Illegal of course, but given a choice, I would probably have chosen jail.

Ironically, the skit that I took part in that night was taking the piss out of Corporal Marks and his favourite phrase during our training “Fuck off, c**khead”. Aaaah, the memories.

The following morning, The Challenge went as well as you could expect. It took forever and by the end of it, we were all buggered. The beauty of it is that The Challenge is like your final test at Kapooka, so once it’s over, you start to relax a little. That night we even got to go to the Boozer (Army speak for pub) and have a few too many drinks.

About a week after The Challenge, you get do your March Out parade. Family and friends are invited, and you spend days and days practicing the parade until it’s perfect. My father and step-mother came to watch my March Out parade and then aftwerwards they get to meet you at the club, where they put on a BBQ and a few drinks.

I got to share a few beers with my old man, which I’d never really gotten to do before. After the BBQ, we were taken back to our rooms for another talking to, before we were allowed out on the town. I remember Dad coming back onto the base and meeting me at the Boozer, where we had a couple of drinks together. It was then that I found that I had learned the magical art of drinking beer – to the point where Dad actually asked me slow down because he couldn’t keep up with me!

The last few days at Kapooka were still action packed. You do a final uniform and room inspection – carried out by the Camp Commandant (Commander) of the base. It’s funny, but the preparation you do for that final inspection is ridiculous. Things like polishing the floors and then covering them with blankets so you don’t ruin them.

During your time at Kapooka, you make some very tight bonds with people. You work and live with these people 24/7 for months on end, so you quickly learn what people are really like. Some you discover will never get to be your friend, while some might be your friend for the rest of your career or even your life.

Leave after Kapooka

Strange title for a post? Yes indeedy. But it’s actually a search term used quite a bit lately that has brought people to my blog. So I thought I’d throw up a quick post to explain it.

Basically, it all depends. It depends on the time frame between when you finish Kapooka and when your IET course starts. The general process is to get you to your IET course location as soon as possible, and then you wait there. That could be a couple of days, it could be a couple of weeks.

So the Army has this thing called Holding Platoon. If you arrive at your IET location, and there’s a bit of a wait until your course, you get posted in to Holding Platoon and they look after you until the course starts.

Generally speaking, you’ll be given random administrative tasks to complete during the day. You could be helping out at The Mess preparing meals, or you could be working in the Orderley Room (the HR office) helping file paperwork, or you could be out there painting rocks and doing some gardening.

In VERY rare cases, you may actually be able to take REAL leave and go somewhere else. But like I said, that is VERY rare. There would need to be an extended period of time before your course AND you would need to have been hanging around long enough to accrue some leave AND you would need a pretty damn good reason not to stay where you are.

Once your course starts, you probably won’t get any real leave until the course ends. You may get the occasional weekend off – again, depending on how long the course is and how intense it is – but you won’t be able to go anywhere further than the local town.

Once your IET course ends, the intent is to get you to your new posting as soon as possible. Generally, you’ll be sent there within a couple of days of completing your course. And then, depending on what’s going on in your new unit, you might get leave – or you may not.

Another thing I should point out – as raised by “Joel” – at the bottom of my “What happens at Kapooka” post, is what happens with people who are married when they join the Army.

Defence is really quite open-minded these days when it comes to relationships. We no longer talk about Married or Single, we talk about a Member (soldier/sailor/airman) that either does, or does not, have dependents. Defence recognises that you might be a single parent, you might be a step-parent or even have adopted kids. They even recognise same-sex relationships these days, as well as common law de facto marriages.

So, if you are “single” and have no dependents (kids, spouse, person you care for, etc) then you are known as a Member Without Dependents (or MWOD). If you DO have a dependent, then you are a Member With Dependents (or MWD). Easy enough?

If you join up as an MWOD, then life is simple. If you’re an MWD, then things get a bit more complicated. When an MWD is separated from their dependents FOR SERVICE REASONS, they are considered “Unaccompanied” – so now you become an MWD(U). During Kapooka, you obviously need to leave your family at home, so you are an MWD(U) member during basic training.

If you go to a “normal” IET course, then this will continue to be the case throughout your course. If you join a Corps with an extended IET course (and some can go for a year or more), then you may be allowed to bring your family and be an MWD again. There are a few entitlements for MWD’s, and you can read about them here.

If you remain MWD(U) during your IET course, then either immediately after your course – or shortly after arriving at your new posting – you will be given the chance to “reunite” with your family and arrange to have them move to your new posting location. Naturally, all this is at Government expense. If this happens to you, your admin staff will guide you through the process and tell you what to do.

So does that answer more of everyone’s questions? If not, drop me a line – or keep those funky search terms coming – and I’ll post more info to clarify what happens to you when you join the Army.

Vegas Baby!!!!!!

I went to Vegas with my (then) girlfriend (now Fiance) about 9 months ago and I miss it like hell. Like when you go away to some remote place and you can’t get your hands on a KFC burger – or a Passiona!

We did as many of the “usual” things you do when you go to Vegas as we could, although I had a walking stick back then, so couldn’t walk forever. As a result, we didn’t get out at much at night and we only visited two casinos per day. Admittedly, that’s probably a decent pace to see Vegas at anyway.

But as I said, I miss Vegas. They say that once you see it, you’ll never be the same. Even Elvis put those words into song. And it’s SO true. The week after I got home, I was already missing it.

We’re planning our next trip for early 2013 and I SO can’t wait. It will be the start of our honeymoon, so as far as I’m concerned, the world will be our oyster. So we’ve been coming up with a list of the stuff we want to do next time we go.

Top of my list is to see the Bellagio fountains – by day and night. Sadly, we missed that last time because of my damn foot. Next, I’m hoping that Ron “Tater Salad” White will be in town. If you don’t know Ron, check out his website here. He’s probably my favourite comedian and I would LOVE to see The Tater live on stage.

Visit some clubs. Again, we missed that last time because of my foot. And it’s not that we’re big on hitting the town, but I’d just like to see what it’s like to party Vegas-style.

Take a gondola ride at The Venetian. It’s costly, but where else in the world can you go on a genuine gondola. In a casino. On the second foor. With the guy singing Italian opera?

Go to Coca-Cola World. Admittedly, I AM a fan of the drink, but who the hell ever heard of Coca-Cola World? It’s something I have to see.

Snort coke off a hookers butt. Actually, I DON’T want to do that, but I’ve been told of a nightclub where you can. If you want.

The other place we’re going back to is The Big Apple. NYC. What a great place. But the list of things we plan to do in NYC is way weirder than anything in Vegas. Check out this list:

Go back to a Walgreens;

Visit a shopping mall;

Go to wallmart;

Eat a twinkie;

Photograph a squirrel;

Visit the zoo in Central Park (Yes, non-Americans, there is a f**king ZOO in central park!);

Visit a Wholefoods (it’s a supermarket about the size of Bunnings);

Eat New York pizza (the best in the world IMO); and

Go see a movie.

Weird, right? But they’re all things that we wanted to do last time but didn’t get a chance to. Damn foot.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of “normal” things we plan to do as well, but NYC isn’t NYC unless you immerse yourself in the culture. And after all, the things on my list are things we see in movies and TV shows here all the time, yet we have no appreciation for.

For instance, in Australia it will cost you over $100 for a family of four to see movie (including snacks). But I have no idea what it costs in America. Or how big the popcorn is. Crap like that.

And we always hear about how huge the shopping malls are in America, but never get to experience one. And if you haven’t had New York pizza before, then you’re sadly missing out, my friend. It’s awesome. If you happen to live in Brisbane, there are some small pizzerias opening up called New York Slice. The pizza is good, but it’s just not quite the same. We’ve been there a couple of times to ease our pain.

So what strange things do you do when you visit foreign lands? Anything as seemingly weird as my list?

Should I change?

I’ve been thinking about my blog lately, or more specifically, about Lego. I’ve done a couple of Lego posts in the past, but this time IREALLY thought about it.

I am 100% unimpressed with the sale of Lego in Australia. If you’re a fellow Aussie, then I’m sure you’ll agree with me with the same 100%.  So what I’ve been thinking about is: should I make Grumpyaussie about Lego? I’ve found a few other Lego posts that have helped me save a small fortune on Lego, and I want to share that information with you.

To whet your appetite, I have recently purchased the red, Lego passenger train for my son’s birthday (ssssh, don’t tell him!) and paid about half the Australian retail price for it. On top of that, I’ve had to pass on opportunities to save MORE than 50% on other sets.

So here it is: Should I change from being grumpy about EVERYTHING and focus and on being grumpy about Lego? Hahaha, you know what I mean. I’m a 38 year old Lego addict. They call us AFOLs (Adult Fan Of Lego).

So if you want to hear about ways to save you a fortune on Lego, and get some heads up on the latest sales, leave a comment. Who knows, it could be YOUR comment that convinces me to change.

I’m an AFOL

That’s right, I’m finally prepared to come out of the closet and announce to the world that I’m an AFOL. If you’ve never heard that term before, it stands for Adult Fan Of Lego. I’m thirty-mmblblglbg, and I’m an AFOL.

But my problem is that I live in Australia, where it’s cheaper to buy a car than a new Lego set. If you don’t believe me, jump onto www.lego.com and change your region to Australia. Suddenly, sets that cost you $100 in the USA can hit as high as $200 in Australia. And then you have to add around $40 delivery. $240 for a $100 set? I don’t think so.

I’ve been playing with Lego for almost 35 years I’d guess. I remember saving up my pocket money to buy a new set and would spend hours putting it together and playing with it. As the years have gone on, I have my own kids who love Lego as well. So I buy sets for them and we play together.

I’m a member of the Lego club on their official website. I’m also a VIP member. Now, I save up my pocket money and buy the bigger, more intricate sets. But of course, they cost a fortune. The big Death Star that was released in 2011 is $699 on the Lego website. BUT, I now have my fairy godmother.

Amazon is the most amazing shopping website on the planet, if you’re an Aussie looking for cheap Lego. And not just good ol’ amazon.com either. I recently found a blog from an Aussie mum, where she has been posting info about Lego deals and places to buy cheap Lego. Sadly, these blogs are more important than oxygen in Australia.

I’d used amazon.com before and found some great prices on great sets. But the problem is always delivery cost, and the fact that a lot of stores on amazon.com don’t ship the big sets to Australia. And that’s annoying, because that’s where the big savings are.

For instance, I mentioned that the Death Star set (10188) is $699 on Lego’s website – and that doesn’t include delivery. But if I go through amazon.com, I can get it for $399 – but they won’t ship it to Australia – which is frustrating. When you save $300 on a single set, it’s worth paying almost $100 to get it delivered. After all, I’d still have $200 in my pocket to buy something else.

For instance the Imperial Shuttle set (10212). It retails on Lego’s website for $449, but is available through amazon.com for under $220. So to buy both of those sets in Australia would set me back OVER $1,000. Can you believe that shit? Yet I can get them from amazon.com for $620. So even if I paid $300 delivery, I’d still be saving money! But again, the problem is amazon.com won’t ship those two sets to Australia.

Enter amazon France (www.amazon.fr). I can get those two sets for $451 and $317 respectively. Slightly more than the US site, but still around $250 cheaper than Australia. I should point out that they won’t deliver the Shuttle to Australia, but they WILL deliver the Death Star for around $560 delivered. A saving of $140, which buys a second, decent sized set.

I’ve recently scoured amazon.fr and found some prices that can only be described as ludicrous. The red train set (7938) sells here for around $240, but I have bought it from amazon.fr for around $120 delivered. I also bought the Tie Fighter set (9492) – selling for $90 in Australia, or around $60 delivered from amazon.fr.

So if you’re an AFOL like me – or just an Aussie fed up with paying abhorent prices for Lego, get yourself onto amazon US and France NOW and bag yourself some bargains.

Incidentally, I e-mailled Lego a while back, having a bit of a dig at them for their pathetic prices here in Australia. They replied to me quite quickly, blaming their high prices on the cost of doing business in Australia. And sadly, I can’t argue with that. I know that it costs a fortune to send large shipments out here, and our minimum wage is so high you can actually make a career out of being a waiter or a service station attendant.

But if I can get a set delivered through amazon.fr for $20, why does buying it from Lego.com double the price? It still doesn’t make sense, and it still doesn’t make it easy for Australians to get their hands on some quality presents for their kids.

So I’m going to ask you to do a couple of things for me:

1: STOP buying Lego at retail stores in Australia. Prices are dictated by demand, so if we reduce the demand, the prices will go down;

2: START looking at amazon US and France. You really will be surprised at how cheap everything is; and

3: Leave a comment telling me what you think of our Lego prices in Australia, and if you buy something from amazon, come back and leave a message telling me what set/s you bought and how much you saved.

More Skyrim addiction

150 hours so far. Can you belive that? I’ve been playing Skyrim for over 150 hours. And I checked UESP yesterday to discover that:

-> I’m only half way through the main story line;

-> I’m about 80% of the way through the Thieves Guild storyline;

-> I’ve done about 25% of the Daedric quests;

-> I haven’t started The Companions questline yet;

-> I haven’t started The Dark Brotherhood questline yet;

-> I haven’t started the Civil War questline yet; and

-> I haven’t gotten married yet.

I have no idea how many of the Miscellaneous quests I’ve done (or have left) and I’ve hit the magical Level 50, which is apparently where the game stops adjusting quests/enemies by level.

There just seems to be no end to this amazing game. The one problem I’m facing now is cash. I have so much gold that I can’t spend it all, and that’s having a negative effect on my gameplay.

Why? Because when I clear a dungeon or a keep, I have no motivation to search all the chests, or dead bodies, or cupboards, or even the “boss”. Everything I am finding these days is worth a fortune. I have set up my home in Solitude, and have the Speechcraft perks that allow me to sell any item to any merchant.

But even with the fletcher, blacksmith, Angeline’s Aromatics, Bits and Pieces and Radiant Raiment, I STILL can’t sell all my loot in one round. I’ve just chosen the perk where I can invest 500 gold into a business to increase the amount of gold available, but all this is doing is increasing my “savings” – and giving me nothing to spend the money on!

So what are YOU doing with all your money? I’ve been buying all the training I can find and have decorated my three houses as much as I can. I asked one guy at work what I should do and he suggested buying horses. LOL.

One thing I HAVE been doing for a bit of fun is collecting cabbages. I saw a screenshot of a guy who filled an Inn with cabbages, so I’ve started filling the servant’s room in Solitude with cabbages. It serves no purpose at all, but is funny to see.

But despite these small little gripes, Sykrim still is the most amazing game I think I’ve ever played. The graphics are amazing. I commented to my Fiance the other day that it would be amazing if HDTV could be as sharp as the graphics in this game.

And there’s never a shortage of fun things to do. Lately, I’ve been standing in the “market district” of Solitude, shooting hawks out of the sky. Apart from the awesome thrill of seeing a bird tumble to the ground after a fluke shot, it’s a great way to get the Hawk’s Beak and Hawk’s Feathers alchemy ingredients.

So tell me: What awesome and fun things are you up to in Skyrim?

My name is Grumpyaussie and I’m a Skyrim addict

That’s right. I have a problem. And they say that the first step to getting over your problem is admitting you have one. Right? Well I don’t want to get over my addiction.

I’m a computer game player from WAAAAAAAAAY back. Remember the Commodore 64? What about the Atari? I was there. In fact, whenever I put on a DVD these days, I still find myself saying “Press play on tape”. If you’re not 30 year’s old or more, games on the Commodore 64 (which was a computer in the 1980′s) were sold on a cassette tape. When you wanted to play the game, the computer would tell you to: “Press play on tape”.

Haven’t things changed since then? I mean, we have the Wii, and the Playstation Move and XBox Kinect. The Commodore 64 used to take up to half an hour to load a big game. Now, you slip in a disk and before you know it, YOU are the controller.

What I like to see in a computer game is CHOICE. I tend to think outside the square, so I don’t like games where I have to do it THEIR way. I want to make my own decision about how I achieve the goal. And that’s where games like Skyrim excel.

Fable was a good contender against the Elder Scrolls series (of which, Skyrim is episode 5). I only got involved with Elder Scrolls at episode 4: Oblivion, and it sucked me in like a child at a sideshow. The world in these games is amazing. The games are actually designed to have open-ended play. And if you don’t want to follow (and complete) the main story, then that’s fine.

Skyrim was released internationally on 11 November, and since then I have clocked up a little over 100 hours of gameplay. Can you believe that? 100 HOURS! A lot of new games these days will offer 25 or MAYBE 30 hours of gameplay for your $100. And to make things even more amazing, I traded in some old games to buy Skyrim, and ended up paying $9 for it. NINE FUCKING DOLLARS. For 100 hours of gameplay, so far!

And the thing is, I am NO WAY NEAR finished this game. I think I’m about 20% of the way through the main story. The rest of my time has been spent doing………stuff. So if you’re not familiar with the game (or it’s predecessor), here’s how it works.

You play a character that is any one of about 6 or 7 different races. From human, to lizard-thing, to elf. At the start, you get to “design” your character by editting your face – everything from the shape of your head to how far apart your eyes are, how dark your skin is and what your hair looks like. Then you get to give your character a name.

I won’t give away the storyline, but what I will do is say that in Skyrim, there is pretty much NOTHING you can’t do. Except have sex. And that’s my pet hate in video games these days, but I won’t talk about that now. If you want to hear my thoughts on that, leave a comment.

In Skyrim, you can create your own weapons out of the following types of material: leather, iron, steel, ebony, glass, elven steel, dwarven steel, dragon scales or dragon bones.

You do this at a blacksmith. They have a forge where you can create the items, a grindstone to sharpen and improve your weapons, a tanning rack where you can turn all the animal hides you’ve found into leather, and a workbench where you can improve any armour that you’ve made.

You can also create potions. At the beginning, you don’t know any of the magical properties of any of the ingredients. You have to start mixing them all together and gradually you will learn what magical effects they have. You can even EAT all of the ingredients, to help learn their effects.

And the best thing? Most of the ingredients you use to make potions are found in the game world. Everything from those damn Mountain Flowers, to bees, lichen, moss, butterfly wings, mudcrab claws, hawk beaks and ice-wraith teeth.

You can also hire – or be provided with – someone to help you out. They work really well as a pack mule to carry all your gear, but they also help you out in battles.

You can just wander around the wilderness, discovering caves, mines, forts, dragons, giants or towns. You can buy a house in each town and deck it out with all the latest furniture. You can spend your time just working on potions or making weapons and armour to improve your skills, or you can go dragon hunting.

And as you wander around the towns and get to know people, they will ask for your help. One of the menus keeps a list of your outstanding quests, and there’s miscellaneous ones as well. Everything from taking a note from one person to another to killing a dragon that’s been pissing off the local Jarl (aka regional leader), or clearing out a castle or cave where bandits live.

But Skyrim has it’s flaws. And anyone with a few brain cells would expect that. You can’t create a world like there is in this game without a few things going wrong. There’s plenty of webpages whinging and bitching about how shit Skyrim is because of all these little glitches. But I say to these people: Get over yourselves.

Sure, there’s some legit stuff. It sounds pretty minor and a bit nerdy on here, but I assure you, they are incredibly frustrating. Things like if you locate a quest item BEFORE you meet the person who tells you to START  the quest, then you might not be able to complete the quest. There’s also the odd lock-up (mainly on PS3 after four hours of continuous play) and the crappiest maps that ever lived.

And then there’s things that are really just tweaks. The game itself is awesome, but when a game gets all the BIG things right, you start looking at the little things. Like why can’t I mark the map myself when I find something interesting? Why can’t I rename a potion? Why can’t I tell my companion to STOP STANDING IN THE FUCKING DOORWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Or why can’t I just ask a local where I go to sell my potions?

But that’s not to say that the game doesn’t already have a lot of these little things already. When you turn a normal sword into one that drains the magic of your enemy, you can name it anything you want. I have a fur hat that I gave an alchemy enchantment. So I called it “Hat that makes potions stronger” haha. Yes, I’m a child.

But it’s the REALLY little things that make this game what it is. Early on in the game, I was attacked by a group of people hired to kill me. Naturally, I slew them all (insert evil laugh here) and then looted their bodies. But then, the locals started walking up to the bodies and saying “Ooh, a dead body. I wonder what happened”.

You can even get married in Skyrim. And not to the ONE non-player character (NPC) that the game makers decided you should marry. There are literally about 20 NPCs that you can marry. And Skyrim is progressive. Same-sex marriages are allowed. You can even marry some of the people who will accompany you on quests.

The gameplay is also pretty awesome, but after 100 hours, I still struggle with some of the controls. I play on Xbox, and Skyrim’s predecessor, Oblivion, had amazingly intuitive controls. Skyrim does not. Did you hear that Bethesda? Skyrim DOES NOT have intuitive controls. And it sucks. When you’re being attacked by a dragon and need to grab your shield at the same time as drink a health potion, it gets hard.

Which reminded me of another awesome aspect of Skyrim. The world interacts with itself ALL THE TIME. You can be wandering around the world and find other animals and NPCs locked in battle with each other. Just recently, I was approaching a bandit camp that I had previously cleared. As I got closer, I heard a dragon overhead, so I froze and pulled out my bow.

But the dragon wasn’t after ME. I followed it’s stream of fire and saw that the dragon was attacking the bandits in the camp. I joined in, thinking the bandits would help make light work of the dragon, but when the dragon flew off to circle around, the bandits turned their attention to me. But the funny thing is, as the dragon came back to ground level, the bandits started attacking the dragon again!

And that’s not all! About half way through the battle, a giant joined in! Once again, everyone joined forces to fight the dragon, but once it was out of range, everyone started attacking each other again! It was funny and awesome at the same time. But things didn’t end well. The dragon was just about dead, so I rushed in for a melee attack, only to have the dragon grab me in it’s mouth, thrash me around and discard me like yesterday’s newspaper.

But you know what? I wasn’t mad. There was no rage quit. How can you be mad at an epic battle like that? It was truly amazing to see and to be a part of. Just another reason I love Skyrim.

So, yes. My name is Grumpyaussie, and I’m an addict.

Bah Humbug

That’s right, I’m talking about Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love the time off work, I love eating and drinking too much and I love seeing the kids open presents and have more fun than any kid should have in one day.

But what I DON’T love is the crowds. I’ve noticed that since returning from my overseas deployments, I only have a small tolerance for crowds and for people’s self-centred, bullshit behaviour. People who just stop walking while you’re behind them, or people who stand in doorways and chat on their phone, so nobody can get past.

A few years back, I wrote to Santa and asked him to contact me. I told him that we needed to talk about his visit each year, and after a few weeks of waiting, I got an e-mail from him. Naturally, he used a dodgy e-mail address, probably in the fear that I’d reveal his official e-mail address to the world.

But we got cyber-chatting about the presents he brings and how much work I have to go through to buy the presents that I give to my kids. I told him that I have to fight the crowds for hours, whether I’m buying one little present, or ten big ones. So I made him an offer, and I think that what we’ve settled on actually benefits both of us.

Santa only brings my kids one present each now – and it’s not the BIG present. You know, the bike, or the trampoline or the iPod/Pad/Touch device. My theory is that, sure Santa has a busy job visiting everyone and dropping off presents, but HE doesn’t have to fight the Westfield crowds, does he?

His response to my offer came a little too quickly, and it kind of had me thinking that maybe he would like this offer from more parents. After all, it will cut back on the number of presents the elves need to make, and it dramatically cuts down the time the big guy needs to spend at each house.

But it’s not like I leave Santa out in the cold. No pun intended there, especially since Christmas in Australia is HOT HOT HOT. He did comment that he still wanted to live in my kids’ hearts, so the agreement is that the gift he leaves is a good one – just not the best one.

Unfortunately, one year the two of us did need quite a bit of back-and-forth co-ordinating Christmas, since my kids were asking for some pretty cool stuff. But we talked it out and came to a good agreement.

So don’t be afraid. If you hate the crowds as much as I do, then maybe it’s time to get a little more kudos from your kids. Have a chat with Santa and come to the same agreement as I have. My kids adjusted pretty quickly, and still love getting their gift from Santa. But at least now, when they get something like a bike, it’s ME that gets the credit.

Customer Service

Finally, I have story that should set the standard for the Customer Service Text Book. This is what customer service is all about, and I would challenge all retailers in Australia to meet this standard.

Earlier in the year, we bought ourselves a brand new lounge suite from Dare Gallery here in Brisbane. It’s soft red leather, is a two and a half seater sofa with a chaise on the left side (as you look at it) and has a huge ottoman that’s about 1.5 metres long. The suite was delivered back in late May and in mid September we noticed that the leather was starting to crack.

We conditioned the chaise and started to use it a little less, but one Wednesday, one of my kids noticed that some of the stitching in the other seats was starting to come apart. I dragged out the receipt and rang Dare Gallery, expecting to encounter an argument over whose fault it was, or an accusation that we had done something to it.

I asked to speak to the manager and was put on to a man named Brendan. I calmly and politely informed him of the situation and told him that I was “quite angry” that we had spent so much money on this lounge which was now falling apart. He told me that the situation was “no good” and brought up the order details, describing the lounge.

He asked what had happened to the lounge and I told him. Again, all this was very polite – but stern. Brendan told me that he would arrange for one of the maintenance guys to call me and arrange to come and look at the lounge, but that from my description he thought they would probably replace the lounge. Once again, I expected things to drag out.

I received a call the next day (Thursday) from a guy called Charlie who asked if he cold drop by the next day and inspect the lounge between 1 and 3. I reckon the clock just hit 1:01 when he rang the doorbell. He came inside, spent about 5 minutes looking at the lounge and said he would recommend a replacement.

The weekend passed and I waited until Tuesday. I rang Dare Gallery who told me Brendan had a day off. This is where I expected everything to turn to poo. Andrea came on the line and I told her that I wanted to keep up the momentum on the issue. I explained what was going on and she brought up the order on her computer. “Oh,” she said. “We’ve already ordered you a new lounge.”

I was stunned to say the least. Andrea then told me that she would expect to receive the lounge at the store the following week and that we might get it delivered by that Friday. I was sceptical to say the least, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She told me that she would ring when it arrived to arrange delivery.

Maybe I was pushing my luck, but I asked Andrea if the new lounge would be set up and the rubbish taken away, considering that this was a replacement. She said that it’s not normal practice to do that, but she would see what she could do.

The week went by without a call from Dare Gallery and we entered the next week, fast approaching Andrea’s deadline. The Friday came – and went – with no call, so I decided to call them on Monday to chase things up. Considering the original lounge took four weeks to make, I was surprised that we were promised a new one within only two weeks.

But I didn’t get a chance to wait until Monday. Charlie rang me on Saturday and asked if he could come by and deliver the new lounge on Tuesday between 10 and 12. I was stunned, but checked that my Fiance would be home to accept the delivery, and all was good. I asked Charlie if he was able to remove the rubbish and he said “Yep. You don’t need to worry about any of that. By the time I leave, you’ll just have a brand new lounge where the old one was”.

So today is Tuesday. At about 9:55, Charlie turned up with our new lounge. I got a text from my girl once he’d left stating that we had a new lounge and that Charlie had set it up and taken away the old lounge and all the rubbish. He even helped move the coffee table back into place.

So there it is. Exceptional customer service. Not only did Dare Gallery do everything that they said they would do, they did it when they said they would do it. And they obviously pushed our new lounge through as a priority construction. Neither the store nor Charlie could have been more helpful.

So thank you, Dare Gallery. Thank you for renewing my trust in Australian retail and actually looking after a customer. The message to the rest of you retailers out there is that now, not only have I told my work mates about the service Dare Gallery have provided, but I will shop there again myself AND I will recommend Dare Gallery to anyone that I speak to that is looking for furniture.

THAT is how you run a business. THAT is how you get repeat customers, and THAT is how you get NEW customers.

You can view their website here: daregallery.com.au Sure, they’re a bit pricey, but the quality of their wares is fantastic (despite our little problem) and they obviously know how to treat their customers.

Benny Hill

How awesome is Benny Hill? I reckon that if he were alive today, he’d still be making the funniest show on TV. The Benny Hill show is still showing on Foxtel here in Australia and I relish when it comes on each night so I can get my fill.

Here in Australia, we’ve always had a better connection with British humour than American. Not that there’s anything wrong with American comics, but when you belong to an Empire where the King denounced the Pope so he could get a divorce and cut off his wife’s head, you can’t help but laugh can you?

But Benny takes the cake. His style of bawdy humour never fails to bring a smile to my face. Whether it’s the girls getting around in stockings after having their skirt ripped off, or his naughty poems, it’s 30 minutes of pure joy. Here’s a sample of one of his poems, titled “The birds and bees”:

I’d reached the age of fourteen and I hadn’t started courting,
And my mum was getting worried about me.
She said, “Dad, it’s time you told him all about the birds and bees,”
He said, “The birds and bees,” and sat me on his knee.

He said, “Now, remember Uncle Joe and that picnic a while ago,
How he went off into the woods with Auntie Pat?
And how I chased O’Reily’s daughter and what happened when I caught her?”
I said, “Yeah,” he said, “Well birds and bees does that.”

Dad works very hard indeed, well he got ten kids to feed,
Well ten and seven ninths to be precise.
And we all wear hand-me-downs, and as I am the youngest,
And the others are all girls, it ain’t very nice.

Dad said, “It’s time that you got wed,” I said, “I’d rather drop down dead,”
He said, “Now how about old Maude from Ikely down?”
I said, “Maude? Not bloody likely, she’s been out by half the chaps in Ikely,”
He said, “Well Ikely’s really quite a little town.”

This poem was provided by The Music Archive and you can read the whole poem here.

I think that with all the do-gooders out there, a show like The Benny Hill Show probably wouldn’t air these days. Benny was never afraid to poke fun at anyone. He might be called racist these days, considering he would make light of women, arabs, chinese, “African Americans”, and even Australians. If you ask me, you can’t get more diverse and equal-rights than that.

I grew up watching shows like this and Love Thy Neighbour. If you never got to see it, you’d be hard pressed to find a show that is more inappropriate or more racist. But the funny thing is, because of that show, I have always thought of the term “Nig Nog” as a term of endearment for black people. Not that I say it to them of course. Even I know how incorrect that would be these days.

The show centred around two neighbours. Eddie Booth who is white and Bill Reynolds, his black neighbour. Eddie would always refer to Bill as Sambo or Nig Nog, while Bill would retaliate with Honky, Snowflake or Paleface. While most of the humour was relatively benign, it would occasionally boil over and Eddie and Bill would come inches from punching each others lights out.

What we need is more shows like this back on TV. Screw political correctness. Where has it gotten us? It has led us to ban Christmas decorations in shopping centres in case we offend someone. It has led schools to not celebrate major holildays in case someone gets upset. Everyone needs to step the f**k back and be themselves again.

But I digress. Hats off to you, Benny. I think I might start my own tradition at home – raising a glass on the anniversary of Benny’s death. Or his birthday. Or maybe both. I know Benny would appreciate it.