Taxi Drivers

I’ve been a good boy lately, and tried to focus on some positives, but I need to let off some steam today. And after all, the name of my blog is GRUMPYAussie, isn’t it.

Today’s rant comes to you courtesy of Brisbane’s taxi drivers. In my opinion, half of them should have their f**king licenses taken away, and the other half should be made to get one.

In only the last three days, I have seen shit on Brisbane’s roads that would turn your hair white (if it isn’t already). Sure, there’s the usual crap of taxi’s cutting in and out of traffic without indicating, into gaps about three quarters the length of the vehicle.

Then there was the guy today who was reading a newspaper. Or the Pakistani/Indian bloke yesterday who was incapable of driving in a straight line, crossing the line on both sides of his vehicle. But he was on the phone, so I guess that’s ok. Maybe he was telling his Mum he loved her, or co-ordinating the rescue of a bleeding child – you just never know.

And why is it that they never do the speed you want? If you’re in a hurry, they’re doing 15 kph under the speed limit. If you’re more sensible and prefer the speed limit, they think they’re Juan Fangio (if you don’t know who he is, look him up). I’ve lost count of the amount of taxi’s I’ve been in, where the driver has two speeds: flat out, and stop.

I know you know what I’m talking about. The light goes green, his foot goes flat to the floor, and you take of like you’re in a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier. You go from standstill to flight speed in 2.4 seconds. Naturally, you get to the next intersection just as your neck snaps back into place, he slams on the brakes and 2 nanoseconds before your head hits the seat in front of you, he’s back on the gas trying to set a lap record.

Tell me you’ve never been in a cab with one of these idiots. I DARE you.

I’m just never quite sure how these guys (or girls) get a driver’s license, or a taxi license. It’s obvious some of them haven’t achieved one or both of these milestones. I’d like to see someone do a random check on some of the taxi companies and check whether the drivers are licensed or not.

Bloody Drivers!

I don’t WANT to go on about Queensland drivers, but they give me so much material, it’s bloody hard not to.

I managed to have a weekend away with my significant other this weekend just gone. The drama is getting south of Brisbane on the Pacific Highway on a Friday afternoon. What is usually a 2 hour trip very quickly can take all night.

Thinking I was clever, I arranged an EKO (Early Knock Off) from work, and we left Brisbane around 2:45pm. What a shame the rest of Brisbane had the same idea. The highway very nearly became a car-park. And why do you think that is?

Because some genius has decided AGAIN that it’s his (or her!) God-given right to do 20 kph under the speed limit in the right lane. Even though my work colleague reminds me that it’s a speed LIMIT – not a CHALLENGE – I’m a big believer that the slower you go, the further left you should be (Americans please note, our lanes work in reverse over here).

I tried to count the cars on the highway on Friday night, but stopped when I reached 25,567,355 because I couldn’t work out if that lowered blue Commodore with the HUGE exhaust, HUGE wheels, MASSIVE rear spoiler and thumping stereo was one I’d already counted or not. The problem is that it only takes one idiot to do 20kph under the speed limit, and traffic comes to a standstill.

Don’t get me wrong, there are legitimate reasons why someone can’t manage the speed limit. Maybe their car is a little old, or maybe they’re waiting on parts for repairs. Maybe they’ve got a boot load of quails eggs. Or maybe the driver is just old, or lacks confidence. But if any of these apply to you, I’m telling you now – on behalf of every other driver out there – MOVE LEFT. FOR F**K’S SAKE!!!!!!!!!

And there’s one more thing. Can I just point out, for all the rocket surgeons out there, that the 1 second gap I leave between me and the car in front – which equates to slightly more than one car length – is NOT my invitation for you to slot yourself and your hotted up, 4 cylinder (two-stroke) piece of shit, into said gap – particularly if all the money you spent on your f**king stereo left you no cash to buy indicators!

In my 2-hour journey on Friday night, two (yes TWO) such surgeons decided that they absolutely HAD to be in that space. I responded by forcing my entire body weight against my horn for around 27 minutes to alert the drivers that I was not quite prepared for their strategic maneuvre.

This seemed to suddenly make ME the bad guy, and I’m sure I was the proud recipient of the one-fingered salute and a tirade of verbal abuse, of which I could not hear, or care less about.

Once again, this proves that driving a car seems to push some people to their performance limit. But there’s no sweeter justice than when you see that same car, 5km up the road, pulled into the emergency stopping bay with the bonnet up.

Drivers who can’t colour in

I don’t want to get into the habit of going on and on about drivers every day, but if I wasn’t meant to, I figure more of them would know how to drive.

What is it with these morons who continually cross the white line? Whether they’re going round a bend in the road, taking a corner or even just driving in a bloody straight line. Some idiots seem to be unable to keep their car inside the lines.

So it got me wondering…….. are these the kids that failed colouring-in at Primary School? Maybe it’s a reflection of how hard it is to be a teacher these days. Maybe if the Education department focussed more on making sure that a child stays in the lines when they colour in a picture of a dog, we wouldn’t have morons putting lives at danger by being mentally unable to keep their two-tonne killing machine inside the designated lines on the road.

But enough. I’m going to have a drink and try to forget about these ass-clowns, and hope that the guy I had to avoid today isn’t on the road tomorrow.

Let’s do this

Ok, time to let fly with my first rant. I live in Australia – obviously – and unfortunately we can be known for our poor driving skills. What I don’t understand is why driving a car seems to be akin to flying the Space Shuttle for some people. I mean, most people seem to drive automatics these days, right? So how hard is it?

One pedal to go faster, one to go slower, and you just turn the wheel so you don’t bang into anything. And yet despite this seemingly simple concept, some drivers struggle. And this is the basics. I haven’t even mentioned using indicators yet, or maintaining a constant speed, or making an effort not to be dangerous on the road. Just go faster, or slower, or in a different direction so you don’t have a collision, and we’ll work on it from there.

But sadly, I DID mention indicators, and now I’ve riled myself up. What’s with those morons who seem to lack the capacity to give that little stick a shove with their finger whenever they want to change direction? Is it really THAT hard? Or maybe they’re CIA or some other secret agent, and their movements are so God Damned secret that the rest of us aren’t permitted even a second’s warning of what they plan to do.

And as if these morons aren’t bad enough, what about the legends who start changing lanes, and then when they’re about half way across, let their indicator blink once. ONCE. What the f***? I have news for these people. Don’t even f***ing bother, mate, because one of two things has already happened. Either I’ve already hit my brakes because you decided you had to occupy the same spot as my car, in which case your indicator is now as useful to both of us as tickets to see The Beatles this weekend, or if I was lucky enough to have you in front of me, I kind of worked out your master plan the second your wheels crossed the line.

Now I do realise that I seem to have some super-power when it comes to driving a car. I can manage to get from A to B without hitting anyone, or cutting people off, or killing myself. Except for that time I reversed into a motorbike (oops). So, considering my apparently amazing abilities, I have no problem with watching people try their best, and use the best of intentions to drive properly, even when they don’t do such a great job.

You know who I mean. The guy who actually DOES indicate, but starts 500m before he manoeuvres and then forgets to turn it off afterwards. I shake my head, but it’s good to see him having a go. And what about the young girl on P plates, who still lacks a little confidence. She WANTS to turn across traffic, but unless there’s a gap big enough to sail the Titanic through, she’s just not gonna risk it. Once again, she earns a shake of the head, but she’s giving it a red-hot go.

Over time, you’ll see drivers make regular appearances on my blog. I’m not picking on them specifically, they just give me so much material to “discuss”. So if you got a chuckle out of my post, or found yourself shouting “YES” and pointing at your monitor, let me know what you think. Do you encounter these evolutionary giants as well? Or maybe you’re one of them and can explain to me why you do what you do. But feel free to let me know I’m not the only bloke out there wondering who these people slept with or bribed to get a driver’s license.