More driving woes

I hate reverting to posts about bad drivers, but you know what? Sometimes it’s just not possible to avoid. After all, I started this blog just so I could rant and rave and get things off my chest. We all need to vent to someone, don’t we? Sometimes, there are things in life that shit us to tears, but there’s nothing we can do about it. And when that happens, we reserve the right to bitch about it.

So here it is: the Stop Once Concept. Even the name tells you what it’s all about. And when you consider that I’m writing about drivers, I’m sure that most of you can work out what I’m talking about.

You know when you’re driving in heavy traffic? You might be on your way to work, on your way home, or maybe trying to get out of the city on the weekend. The traffic is moving at a snail’s pace as it is and it’s driving you crazy (no pun intended there).

You approach a red light and gradually the traffic comes to a halt. You stop your car at your preferred distance from the car in front of you and begin the wait. You’ve been sitting there for a minute or so, and then it happens. The car in front of you rolls foward about a metre. F**KHEAD!!

And he’s a f**khead because now YOU have to make a choice – and no matter what you do, you can’t win. It’s a f**king lose-lose situation. Your options are following along with this ARSE CLOWN and roll forward a little bit – pissing off the guy behind you; or you can stand your ground – and leave a full car-length in front of you, attracting the anger of everyone behind you.

So my rant is simple: STOP ONCE, for f**k’s sake! When you approach a stopped vehicle, get as close as you feel comfortable and then stop. And then STAY WHERE YOU ARE. If that means you get a little closer than usual, then f**king do it.

Driving 101

All right Brisbanites, listen up. I am SICK of nearly being run off the road by busses, trucks and f**kwits on the phone. In the last week, I have nearly been hit by two busses and a truck (who were disobeying my rules below). So here’s some tips to follow:

Get off your phone. It’s that simple. It’s illegal and more than QUADRUPLES your chance of having an accident.

Stay in your lane. Seriously. They put those lines on the road for a reason. Pick ONE lane and stay in it. PLEASE!

Use your indicators. I have good reflexes, but honestly! If you need to change lanes, flick that little stick. It’s not hard. It won’t kill you. Just push it that one centimetre – and then everyone else will know what you’re about to do.

Do the speed limit, or get out of the right lane. If you’re car is broken, or you’re carrying 5 dozen eggs, or if you’re driving a Volvo – that’s fine. But don’t do it in the right lane. The LEFT lane in Australia is for people NOT doing the speed limit.

Don’t cut corners. When the road bends left or right, then stay in your lane as you veer. You are not Mark Skaife or Craig Lowndes. You don’t need to let your wheels go over the line into the next lane to get around the corner 1/1,000th of a second faster.

Anticipate the green light. It’s not a surprise, right? After it’s been red for a while, and then all the other traffic stops, chances are you’re about to get a green light. Don’t WAIT for it to turn green, finish applying your lipstick or put down your coffee before driving off. BE READY FOR IT. Most lights in Brisbane only let about 6 cars through these days. So you f**king around with your hair/nails/scrotum stops those of us who are paying attention from getting through the intersection.

This one’s more of a courtesy, but don’t stop in front of a driveway/sideroad/carpark. If you do that, then you will most likely prevent someone from turning right across traffic, and create a massive bank-up of traffic. So think about someone other than yourself for two seconds, and make space to let people get to where they’re going. You’d like it if THEY left space for YOU, right?

Oh – learn to merge. PLEASE! I’m begging you. Ever been on the Gateway/Pacific Motorway/Logan Road/Ipswich Rd and come to a complete stop right near an on-ramp? So have I. Why do you think that is? It’s because Brisbane drivers can’t merge. Not necessarily your fault, but PLEASE LEARN.

This is how simple it is: When you get on the on-ramp, you will see a speed limit sign. You need to be doing THAT speed when you get to the motorway. Don’t wait to get there before accelerating. Be AT SPEED when you get to the motorway. That way, other drivers will make MINOR adjustments to let you in.

The reason the traffic stops is because of those people who are entering a 100 kph zone, but doing 60 kph when they get there. Everyone has to hit the brakes to stop from ramming up your arse and before you know it, the Pacific Motorway becomes a carpark on Friday nights. So when you see that speed limit sign……FLOOR IT.

Drivers in carparks

There’s a few things about carparks that drive me crazy. Actually, it’s the way drivers behave in carparks that frustrate me, not the carparks themselves. Although, having said that, I think parking spaces are too narrow these days, but that’s another story.

My amazing GF and I are about to fly out the USA for two weeks, with a 5 day stop-over in Fiji on the way home. If you’ve read my recent posts, you’ll know I broke my toe about 5 weeks ago, but I’ve progressed to a walking stick now and I’m getting around quite well. I describe myself as a “Distinguished Gentleman”, rather than an old man – lol.

So, today we headed out to the shops to get some last minute items, and to have some lunch outside the house. 5 weeks on crutches results in some pretty intense cabin fever.

We got to the shops and proceeded to look for a parking space. When we arrived, there was a car waiting for someone to leave. We could see a family of Asians faffing around with kids and bags, so we went around. But we didn’t get far when we saw a woman – probably in her 50′s or 60′s – opening her boot (trunk if you’re American) and putting her bags inside.

My GF put her indicator on and we waited. And we waited. And then we waited some more. The whole time, I was watching the Asians, who had now gotten into their car, but had still not started up. While we continued to wait for the woman to leave, a car to our left pulled out. NOT the Asians, but the car next to them. The driver of that car was already IN their car BEFORE we got there!

Eventually, the woman pulled out and we took the spot. A minute or so later, the Asians left. All up, this ordeal lasted around 4 or 5 minutes. What the hell do these people do when they get in their car? Honestly – I have no idea. But I would LOVE to know.

Do they……..put on make-up? Perhaps they call their friends. I struggle to identify anything that is going on inside a car that is SO exciting, that it drags the driver’s attention away from their main task.

And the thing that shits me about this the most is when they SEE you waiting for the park, and STILL faff around. It’s like they’re deliberately thumbing their nose at you, or making a concerted effort to piss you off, because it’s their last chance before they go home.

Are you one of these people? Are you related to one? If you are, please PLEASE let me know what it is they are doing. If it’s THAT exciting, I want a piece of the action!