Dinner Lists

I had trouble sleeping last night, and for reasons I don’t think I’ll ever undertsand, I was thinking about those lists people make about “if you could have any five people to dinner – living or dead – who would you choose?”

The thing is, people choose guests like Beethoven or Da Vinci or Einstein. Why? Because those people did amazing things and it would be great to sit down with them and talk about it.

Well, I say screw that. I would want people at my table that would make a fun night. So here’s MY list: Mark “Chopper” Read, Ron “Tater Salad” White, Sir Richard Branson, my brother and my ex-next-door-neighbour Craig.

Some strange choices, I know, but I want a group that would make a good party. I don’t want to spend hours talking to someone about what it’s like to win a Nobel Prize, or to ask Mother Theresa what it was like living in poverty and helping sick people. How f**king depressing!

If you don’t know who Ron White is, look at his site and find some of his videos. He is absolutely hilarious. He’s my favourite comedian. Everyone knows Richard Branson, too. He may be filthy rich, but his attitude towards life is fantastic. Just read his book and you’ll see.

Obviously, you don’t know my brother or Craig, but when my brother and I get together, we have a great time, and I’d defy anyone not to enjoy Craig’s company – especially after he’s had a few drinks.

The most contraversial person I’ve chosen is Mark “Chopper” Read. I’ll refer to him as Mark from here on, because I believe that you don’t get to call someone by their nickname until you get to know them. Sure, I’ve seen the movie “Chopper” and I’ve started reading Mark’s book “One thing led to another”, but I’ve never met the guy.

What I like about Mark is that he seems like your average bloke, who has the means and inclination to punish people if they do him or his family wrong. I like to think that I have the same mentality, but let’s face it, I don’t know that I could shoot or stab someone for crossing me. Mind you, if they hurt a member of my family, I’d do pretty much anything.

I once saw an interview with Mark where he said “The average bloke doesn’t worry about Chopper Read”. And what he meant was that he’s not the kind of bloke that walks down the street and shoots someone for no reason. If you mind your own business and don’t cross him, I’m pretty sure Mark couldn’t give a shit about you.

But imagine him at a party. Preferably one where you know beforehand that he’s not allowed to hurt you. Mark would have some amazing stories to tell, and I’m sure that after a couple of beers, he’d relate some of them. And I find Mark funny. I’ve never really been intimidated by anyone’s words, so I find that when Mark talks, he draws me in.

If you have been living on another planet and don’t know who Chopper Read is, then get off your arse and find out. He’s said that he liked the movie – although I’m sure he would have had his grievances. At first, he seems a little crazy, but let’s face it, we all are. The only difference between Mark and the rest of us is that he seems to put his needs in front of anything else, including the law. And in the right circumstances, so would most of us.

So who would be on YOUR list? I’d love to hear about who you’d have at your table and why.

Consumer Protection

I am constantly amazed that in Australia (and it turns out, on the internet as well), no-one seems to give a rat’s arse about consumers. And by that, I don’t just mean retailers or service providers, but government bodies as well.

My gorgeous girlfriend and I were about to embark on a two week trip to the USA. A couple of days in Sanfran, almost a week in Vegas, and almost a week in NYC. It was shaping up to be the trip of a lifetime, and my GF had spent a good month planning every detail.

But then, fate struck. 13 days prior to our trip, it was bin day at home. I went to put the bins out, and thanks to our driveway being on a steep incline, the recycle bin began to overbalance. I put my foot back to steady myself and clipped the edge of the gutter. My ankle rolled, and down I went, faster than a cheap whore.

As I plunged toward the road, I heard a crack and then felt the bitumen slap me in the face. The pain I felt was intense. I found myself incapacitated for a few minutes, and was stuck, laying on the road, unable to move from the pain. I managed to lift my head and see if any of my neighbours were on their way to help, but being midweek, there was no-one in the street.

I managed to struggle my way to my foot, and just then my GF stepped outside to see what was taking me so long. We headed off to the hospital, and I discovered I had fractured my toe. A “Jones Fracture” they call it, where the little toe is broken. Well, it’s not so much broken, as snapped off. Where the toe bone (metatarsal) attaches to the foot bone, the pressure of the tendons actually separates the bone from the foot. Not good.

So I got to spend that night in hospital, after having undergone surgery to screw my metatarsal back onto my foot. And here I am now, laid up, typing away.

The saddest part, is that my GF now has to undo everything she has done for our trip, because I’m in a cast-thingy – so I can’t fly. Luckily, we took out travel insurance, but despite that, it seems that nobody gives a shit, and they’re all out for their pennies.

We had booked some internal flights in the USA through Continental, but when we called to explain what happened, guess how much sympathy we got? F**k all, my friends. They told us that we could cancel, or “postpone”, our flights, but we would be getting no money back at all. Virgin America have charged us a $150 cancellation fee, giving us back $57 of our flights.

We had booked our long-haul flights with QANTAS using FF points. Again, we explained what had happened, and they happily cancelled our flights. With a 5,000 point PER PERSON fee. Any sympathy? F**k no.

The insurance company are doing ok so far, but the first guy my GF spoke to was a moron. He actually told her that he didn’t know what the process was for providing refunds. When my GF asked if we should be trying to get refunds from each provider first, he replied with something like “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea”. F**kwit.

What I want to know, is why is it so f**king hard for consumers to be protected against companies happy to take your money, but who would rather spend $10,000 fighting you, than handing over the $1,000 you committed to them, but didn’t spend. Especially when our cancellation opens up the opportunity to re-sell our tickets.

Maybe the ACCC should start working on this shit. Instead of sitting in their ivory tower and arguing over shit that really doesn’t matter, let’s see our citizens afforded some legal protection from being ripped off.

As an example, I want to mention the ordeal I went through with QANTAS. We found the flights we wanted, and my GF gifted all her FF points to me so I could buy the flights. We still came up a bit short, so I rang QANTAS to purchase the “top up” points. Their terms and conditions state that you can only purchase “top up” points once in every 12 month period. Fair enough.

When we looked online, the flights cost 220,000 points. I rang QANTAS the next morning and purchased the points we needed to book the flights. Once that happened, I rang my GF and said she could book the flights. But guess what? The flights were now 224,000 points. I rang QANTAS back, and they couldn’t have cared less.

Until I started a fight. They argued that I agreed with the condition of one purchase per 12 months. I argued my point, and then the most amazing thing happened. The woman I was talking to told me that QANTAS KNOW that this problem exists. She told me that despite knowing it’s an issue, I was NOT permitted to by the extra points, nor would they cancel my initial purchase. HOW IS THAT F**KING LEGAL?

I put up a fight, stating that I had made the purchase in goodwill, and that there was a problem with the website. Despite sympathising with me, the woman initially stood by her theory that she couldn’t help me.

Being a stubborn bastard, I stood my ground, and eventually the woman agreed to speak to her supervisor. When she came back on the line, she said they MIGHT be able to help, but they had to speak to their head office in Sydney and would need to call me back.

I waited nearly half an hour before they called back. I was told that QANTAS were prepared to cancel the initial purchase and allow me to buy enough points to buy the flights. But did they admit liability? F**k no. They didn’t let me do this because of THEIR error. Their reason was that I called back almost immediately once I discovered the problem.

Why aren’t arseholes like this governed by some law that stops them ripping off their customers? It means that innocent consumers like you and me are at the mercy of the incompetence of some of these morons. If they f**k up, we suffer. And if my argument hadn’t won out this time, not only would I have been out of pocket some $500, but it would have meant that we would not have been able to fly to America. Not that we’re going now anyway – lol.

The thing is, we all know what a great guy Sir Richard Branson is. Remember that guy that complained about the meal on his flight, and was then offered a job? Mr Branson seems to be the shining light (along with Dick Smith) who cares about Joe Average and making sure they keep their customers. Maybe I should write Mr Branson a letter. After all, he is a bit of a hero of mine.

Have you been the victim of some company who screwed up and then let you suffer for it? If so, let me know. In the last five years, I have learned some pretty impressive legal facts that might not only stop you being ripped off next time, but might help you out THIS time.