Seriously Australia, what’s your f**king problem? (part 2)

For the second part of my rant, I’m going to talk about what it’s like to go retail shopping in America, and then pose the inevitable question to Australian retail stores.

I’ll start by mentioning how ridiculously cheap everything is in America. When we arrived in Las Vegas, the average fuel price was $3.69 per gallon. If you don’t know, a gallon is about 4.5 litres, which means that Americans are paying less than $1 per litre of fuel. For historical purposes, at the time of this post, fuel in Australia averages about $1.40 per litre (around $6 per gallon)

While in Las Vegas, we visited their outlet stores and found ourselves spending up big. The main store where we spent our money was the Calvin Klein women’s store. My wife chose a pair of jeans, a blingy t-shirt, some shoes, a dress and some underwear, all for the low, low price of $264. Can you believe that?

I picked up a pair of Asics Gel Kayano’s for $150 (retail in Australia is about $250). I also scored three pairs of Quicksilver shorts (dressy ones, not board shorts) and a watch for about $40, when each pair retails for $70 in Australia.

But the most surprising experience we had was in Macy’s department store. We were walking through the men’s department (which surprisingly is spread out over two floors, not just a corner), and I was approached by a sales assistant named Ross. Ross looked about 50 years old, was dressed in a suit (not jeans and a t-shirt), and had a slight Brooklyn accent (my favourite!)

So Ross asked me if anyone was helping me, and I said No, that I was just looking. He asked what I was looking for, and I said jeans, so he told me about a sale they were having on certain jeans. Then he took me to them, judged my size (almost perfectly) and we started looking.

Ross spent probably over an hour with us, chatting pleasantly all along, and really showing that nothing was too much trouble for him. During that hour or so, we went from section to section and floor to floor. When I gave Ross a description of what I wanted, he took us there and located exactly what I wanted – or the closest thing they had.

When I was trying on clothes, he found me a change room, cleaned it first and then showed me inside. When things didn’t fit, HE went back through the store to find the right size, or a different style, or a different cut. He came up with suggestions for things that would go with what I had chosen, and didn’t give me any attitude when I opted out of the most expensive items in the store.

At one point, while I was trying on some Tommy Hilfiger jeans, we weren’t able to find the cut that I wanted. Ross queried the salesperson from that section, and when he didn’t know, Ross commandeered the computer and tracked a pair down. He then disappeared for about 10 minutes and came back with the store’s last pair.

In the end, I bought 1 pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans, a pair of Calvin Klein khakis and a v-neck t-shirt. When Ross took me to a register to ring it up, I handed over my visitor’s 10% discount. He told me to put it away, since he was going to give me a better deal. He then gave me 20% off instead, AND he handed me a card to get another 20% off on clothes for the next day. So, interested to hear what I paid for two top-name brand pants and a t-shirt? My total was less than $80. Seriously.

It’s true that Ross works on commission, but you don’t tip sales staff. So he spent over an hour of his time running around the store with us – and for us – to get his commission, on an $80 sale. He didn’t have to give us extra discount, and I didn’t even ask for it. So here it comes Australian retailers: What’s YOUR f**king excuse?

Why is it that when I walk into Myer or K-mart, there isn’t a salesperson in sight? And even some of the smaller stores have about 2 people working. And they look like they would rather be washing 4WDs with their tongues, don’t they? And try getting some service out of them!

In fact, that reminds me of another experience we had that makes me angry at Australia. It’s no secret that I’m a soldier, and if there’s one thing that a visit to the States proves, it’s that Australian’s couldn’t give a rat’s f**king arse about what the military do, or what it’s people go through.

America LOVES military personnel. You’ll get everything from discounts to 2-for-1’s, to free entry. Hotels offer military discount as do retail stores. And I don’t mean 5% off the most expensive items, either.

My wife is a foodie, so we couldn’t hit NYC and not visit a store called Sur Le Table. It’s a kitchenware/dinnerware store. Sounds boring, I know, but it’s her thing, so I psyched myself up for the visit and followed her around the store, joining in with her excitement about everything they had.

We spent ages there, and bought everything from chopping boards and a no-spill saucepan guard thing, to a mandolin and baking trays. When we got to the register, I noticed they had a sign on the counter “Military discount 15%. 10% on electrical items”.

I whipped out my Army ID card and asked the assistant if they extended their discount to Australian military – which many places do since we’re part of the coalition, and since Yanks live Aussies so damn much! Anyway, he asked his boss, and sure enough, they gave us the discount. We saved over $30 on the already crazy prices.

So listen up Australia retailers: What’s your f**king excuse? Why can’t you sacrifice a couple of dollars off your insanely inflated prices to say “thanks” to those members of your country who have put themselves in harms way to protect your way of life? F**kers.

But back to Sur Le Table. As they were packing our goodies into a HUGE bag, we realised it was lunch time, and we had planned to have lunch in Central Park that day. I asked the assistant if they delivered, since most stores give free delivery in Manhattan, and he said No, but they could hold our stuff there until we came back for it. So we got to spend our afternoon in the park without carrying tonnes of gear with us. We dropped back to the store at about 5pm, grabbed our stuff and walked the 500m back to our apartment.

And talking about free delivery, I don’t just mean large stores like these guys. I mean EVERY-F**KING-ONE. We walked past deli’s – like a corner store – who do free delivery if you buy more than $10 worth of stuff. Laundries will pick-up and return your washing provided you spend $10 or more. Most pizza places offer free delivery as well, and remember that in NYC you buy pizza by the slice.

So I have to ask it again, what is your f**king excuse, Australia? We pay over-inflated prices for f**king everything, and if you can even get someone to deliver it, it’s like $25 – even if you live in the next suburb. Why doesn’t someone out there start offering some f**king customer service, rather than just worrying about how much money you can squeeze out of your customers.

Ever heard of volume sales? Lower your prices, increase your service, or offer cheap or free delivery, and you’ll start getting more customers. You’ll make less money per sale, but your number of sales will skyrocket. Why do you think we’re all shopping online now? Because the prices are cheap and the so is the delivery. Some sites even offer free delivery. If I can get free delivery from New York to Brisbane in under a week, why does it cost $40 to get something from Sydney to Brisbane in two f**king weeks?

 

 

 

Seriously Australia, what’s your f**king problem?

I’ve done a lot of posts recently about basic training for the ADF and I’ve answered a lot of questions from readers about what it’s really like to join the Australian Army, and what the new recruit and their families deal with during basic training – and beyond.

But now I need to change tack. I recently married my gorgeous Fiance, and we spent a glorious couple of weeks in the USA, specifically in Las Vegas and New York City – my two favourite cities on the planet. So over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be doing some posts about America. Some will highlight the good things about the States, and some will pose questions about why Australia sucks. I’ve already done a few posts about Australia sucking, and these will probably go some to highlight that fact.

Here’s the first thing: As I said, we spent a couple of weeks overseas. 16 days to be precise. Customer service in America is indescribable. If you could have spent one day there with me, you would totally understand why I go on about Australia sucking. Great customer service is f**king everywhere. From the tiniest little pizza place or diner, right up to Macy’s, or the restaurant where we spent, ahem, over $500 on lunch!

When we got back to Australia and headed in through the Duty Free, we bought ourselves some alcohol. And what sign do you think I saw at the counter? “Credit Card purchases incure a 1.5% fee”. Even from my Debit Visa card, I had to pay a fee. And that made my jaw drop for two reasons: 1) In America, there are no fees. Not even for Amex or Diners. And 2) Why the f**k do I have to pay 1.5% to use my own f**king money? I just got off a f**king plane. Where the f**k am I supposed to get hundreds of dollars in cash? Especially if all I can find are f**king ATMs that charge me two-f**king-dollars to get my own f**king money. There is no way in Australia to get your own money without paying a fee. No way.

But back to customer service. Let me give you a blow-by-blow account of my new wife and I going out for breakfast in Manhattan:

We arrive at the Route 66 Cafe (on 9th Ave between 55th and 56th Streets) on our first morning, and we’re shown to our table. We chose this place because it looked “good enough” and they have free wi-fi. (incidentally, EVERYWHERE in Manhattan has free wi-fi – what’s YOUR excuse Australia?)

Before we can even unlock our phones, we are being greeted by a waiter with menus and water. We spend a few minutes trying to work out how to connect to the wi-fi, and before we can manage it, our waiter is back asking for our coffee order. We ask for the wi-fi password (which he provides), we order coffee and get started checking our e-mail.

Within minutes, our coffees arrive, and we’re asked for our order. When I say minutes, I don’t mean 20. I mean about 4. Steaming hot coffee in a HUGE cup. We look over the menu and both choose a cooked breakfast. I choose their “two eggs your way”, where I get scrambled eggs, toast and potato hash, plus I ask for sausage. My wife (who’s a vego) orders the same thing with poached eggs, sans sausage. Before long, our waiter is back, handing us some freshly squeezed orange juice.

My wife and I chat, check our e-mail, and marvel at the speedy, efficient service. After what seems like insufficient time to cook our breakfast, it arrives. Everything is fresh. Despite the speed with which it arrived, it’s 100% obvious that this has not been sitting under heat lamps for any period of time.

We get about three bites in, and the waiter is back. He’s refilling our water, checking that our meals are ok, and asking if they can do anything else for us? I consider asking him to come to Australia and open a cafe, but think better of it. Our meals are so huge, neither of us finish them.

So let’s recap. We each had a cooked breakfast of eggs, toast and hash (and sausages for me), which we couldn’t get through, plus coffee AND juice. Our grand total was……. $24.95. Add in tax (around 8.2%) and a tip, and we’re all done for under $30.

The day after we got back to Australia, I caught up with my Mum for breakfast at a Coffee Club and my wife and I just managed to get away with breakfast (cooked for me, toast for her, plus a coffee each) for about $32. Had my wife ordered a cooked breakfast, and had we wanted juice as well as our coffee, we’d be closer to $50. So I ask you Australia, “What’s your f**king excuse?”

And if you think this is an isolated incident, you’re dead wrong. EVERYWHERE we ate, wait staff brought iced water with the menus (in nice restaurants, they come back after a few minutes to see if you want sparkling or filtered water). Once you order, they bring bread. The Italian restaurants where we ate either added olive oil to that bread, or they provided olives instead. The little Mexican place where we ate a few times provided a basket of corn chips and salsa. And this is FREE. Do I need to ask what Australia’s excuse is?

The sad thing is that, as much as I love my country, coming home from America (we’ve been once before and will be going again) makes us angry. Why do we pay so much f**king money for food here? Let’s face it, the service in our cafes and restaurants is shit. If you’re lucky, there’s two waiters looking after the whole dining room. In America, they have very low minimum wage. So that means that even the smallest cafes have about 8 waiters. Any time you look up from your plate, someone is there to fill your water glass, or offer another drink, or ask if everything is ok. Not like in Australia, where if your glass is empty, you spend 10 minutes trying to get the waiter’s attention. Then he has to go back to the kitchen and harvest the water himself from somewhere, and maybe 10 minutes later you get a top-up.

People worry (and sometimes argue) that you have to tip in America. But let me tell you, that even with the tip, prices can be about half the price of Australia. And the service is off-the-scale, which means you don’t mind tipping. Remember our $30 breakfast at Route 66?

The breakfast we ordered of two eggs, toast and potato hash is (from memory) $6.50. If you add bacon, ham or sausages, it comes to $8. And that includes a coffee AND a juice. Add tax, and you’re still under $20. So with such a huge meal, with super-fast service and such a low price, why wouldn’t you tip them? Even at a 20% tip (which is considered the biggest tip possible), your prices are so cheap, it’s almost cheaper than eating at home!

In NYC, you order pizza by the slice. Their pizzas are huge (around 18″ in diametre), so one slice is usually enough. There are a series of places in Manhattan who sell pizza slices for 99c. Yep, 99c. In fact, they do a “meal deal”. 2 slices of pizza and a can of soft drink for $2.75. No shit. And that includes tax, and you don’t have to tip. Try getting a can of coke with ANYTHING in Australia for under $5, let alone a dinner-sized serve of pizza.

So stand by for more reasons why I ask what Australia’s f**king escuse is.