Yes readers, I’m back. I know it’s been a while, but to be honest, I haven’t had anything really to whinge about. But now I have!

I’m not exactly a technophobe, but the internet shits me. I know it’s for porn and all that, but it does have some other uses. At least it does to everyone but me.

My latest problem is that after watching the recent spate of James Bond movies on TV, I want to use the theme as my ring tone. Sounds simple, right? And it bloody well should be, too. My problem is that I’m not Steve Jobs’ bitch, so I don’t have an iPhone which means I can’t download the theme legitimately from iTunes and use it on my I’m-the-only-guy-on-the-planet-who-still-uses-Nokia phone.

So I head off to the other 16,456,335,657,324 pages on the interwebs in search of the tune. And you’d think there be one there that I could download within a couple of clicks, right? Well the internet gods say “F**k no”. When I find it, I either have to jump from page to page to page to page to page with promise after promise after f**king promise that I can “download it free”. But once again, there’s the internet gods with their typical response.

And why, WHY, WHY does EVERY F**KING dodgy download page feel the need to open a NEW F**KING WINDOW for me whenever I click on something? Is it so that it can download viruses more quickly that way? Just let me download my f**king song and go away! For Christ’s sake!

If you have the theme as an mp3, and you’re prepared to send it to me so I can use it on my phone, without having to hunt down the internet General Manager and kick his arse, let me know. I might even make you the first Grumpyaussie Secret Agent. I could tell you your secret code name….but then I’d have to kill you.